You Can’t Teach What You Don’t Know

I found out over the weekend that in addition to having a tablet (which now thankfully has filters!), Ethan has had an Ipod at his dad’s with a Snapchat account. I swear, every time I turn around, it’s another bullet in his gun!

I called Mark this morning to ask about it and find out what other social media Ethan is signed up for.  Our conversation went like this:

“Social media, like Facebook?”

“Yes, you know- Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter. What accounts does he have on his Ipod and tablet?”

“None”

“Really?  Because this weekend, he told me he has SnapChat on his Ipod- he is connected to Boozehag (Mark’s 4 year long distance “cover”)”

Oh yeah, he has that, but I didn’t sign him up for it.

Well, who did?

I don’t know.

You didn’t ask or tell him he can’t just sign up for accounts without getting a parent’s permission?!

Silence

OK, so you were aware he has it.

Well yeah.

But you just said he wasn’t signed up for anything.

No, you asked me if I signed him up for any social media, and I haven’t.

(The circle talk and semantic games are dizzying before my second cup of coffee!)

Ok, let’s try again.  How long has he had it?

I don’t know.

1 month, 3 months- what’s your best guess?

Probably 3 months

Ok- how have you been monitoring his activity?

What do you mean?

Aggh!!! At this point, I want to smack the back of his head through the phone.  This from the man with adult friend finder and Little Red Book accounts!!  I won’t bore you with the rest of the dialogue because if you have ever been or are in a relationship with an addict, this is probably sounding very familiar.

The upshot is this: My son has been completely unsupervised on Snapchat and I later find out in the conversation, Instagram.  Awesome!  No one told me but apparently his boozehag is connected to my son she can keep an eye on his activity.  Seriously?!

Given Snapchat images leave no trace or history, that would be pretty hard to monitor.

This conversation happens the same day I get an email from my attorney with a draft of an agreement from his attorney saying I agree to release Mark from the treatment requirement and no internet in his home portion of our marital settlement agreement.

Given its all proven to be ineffective and unenforceable anyway, what difference does it make, right?  Wrong.

It would require I un-see what I have seen, un-know what I know and un-hear every lie I have been told. It goes against every protective maternal instinct I have and I can’t do it.  I won’t.

 

Happy Birthday Ethan- Here’s a Loaded Gun

My son just turned 13 this week.  He has been in a very stable place these last few months with his mood and Adhd issues.  Middle school has started off really well with no major incidents.  Historically, winter is his spin out time.  Here in the Midwest, sunshine is reduced and based on some research and mom common sense, I have started to give him a vitamin D supplement. I let Mark know to try to have some consistency but I swear I saw my words float right out of his head.

Its hard to respect women, I suppose, once porn has pickled your brain.

Yesterday, I picked Ethan up from school to take him in for a med check.  He hasn’t seen the dr. in months, as all has been stable and we just called for refills.  He plopped down in the passenger seat and quickly took something out of his backpack.  “What’s that, bud?” I asked as we drove away from school.

“A tablet.”

“Cool, are you using one at school?”

“No, its mine.  Dad gave it to me for my birthday.”

Now any one of you who is co-parenting after a divorce has learned, like me, to take a breath when encountering a surprise from the other side of your child’s life.  “Huh, well that’s cool.  What kind of things can you do on it?  Play games, watch videos?  Can you get on the internet anywhere?”

“Anywhere there’s Wi-fi”  ”

“So, what kind of filters did Dad put on it?”

“Filters, what’s that?”

Exactly.

Mark had promised the court counselor if he “won” our placement study and got permission to have internet access again (despite the fact he’s had it for awhile against court order), he would put filters on all his devices to protect the children.

Ethan’s nose was in his tablet the whole ride there and back playing games, including a gambling one. “So this adds another screen to your world.  What kind of limits do you have for screen time at dad’s? (Knowing there are none)”

“None, really”  Super- but love his honesty.  He doesn’t try to cover the truth to protect his dad, thankfully!

We got home and shortly thereafter Mark comes to pick up Ethan.  Pleasant chit chat about his homework etc.  Ethan’s nose is still firmly rooted in his tablet.

“So, Mark share with me what you have in place to protect our son while on the gift you got him”.

Silence.

Suddenly, I’m looking at his back as he calls out to Ethan to pack up so they can leave.  I wait for him to turn around back around. 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi……hmmm, could grow a beard here waiting, so I try again, walking towards him.

“Mark, did you hear my question?”

“What?  yes.  I am going to put a filter on it like I said I would you know…before.”

“Great, what kind?”

“Um…. bitfinder”.

“Oh, haven’t heard of that one- how does it work?”

Piercing daggers narrowly miss me. Ethan watches from the living room.

“Its a parental filter, I haven’t had a chance to install it yet.” (Shouldn’t that have been done before giving our son access to the entire internet?!)

“Well when you do, please share the details with me”

“Sure. ETHAN, let’s go!”

“Oh, and I know we have talked about this before, but given his new toy, you may want to get clear with him on a limit to screen time.”

“Yeah, sure”

“Or just ignore it and we will just hope for the best”

Seriously, I shouldn’t be surprised, but the degree to which Mark doesn’t get it astounds me.  Most parents without a porn issue know to protect their children from what can be accessed online.  I would think someone with his history would want to do everything to help ensure his son doesn’t fall into the same hellhole he has lived in.And then it clicks..again.

He isn’t thinking like a parent. He is unthinking like an addict.

I know that for a 13 year old boy with issues of self monitoring and compulsive tendencies, this “gift” is like handing him a loaded gun to play Russian roulette with.

I also know that 1/2 of his life is spent with an addict in complete denial and I have followed every path available to me to try to reduce that.

So, what’s a mom to do?

When Ethan comes back here in a few days, we will check the history and have a chat about the filter (if its on by then..any gamblers out there?).

To keep sane, I pray, practice yoga and send Reiki energy to protect my son.  I never waiver from my truth.  I breathe in and breathe out.  And I pray.

Moving on

Freedom (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

I have had lots of feelings following the recommendation of the family court counselor to keep placement at 50%. The first was shock, then sadness, then anger.  Now I am at acceptance.  It’s been a long road to this place.

The past 9 years have been a delicate balance of trying to illuminate what is hidden, support the positive and move our children away from the questionable/negative influences in their dad’s environment.  Quite honestly, it has been exhausting. But not nearly as exhausting as if I had stayed.

Because I left, my vision cleared

Because I left, I found my truth

Because I left, my voice has returned

Because I left, my children know it’s not ok

Because I left, I regained my footing and learned to run

Because I left, my children know what boundaries, self-respect and strength look like

Because I left, I get to matter

Because I left, I can breathe

Because I left, my children know I tried everything

Because I left, I am free

I can honestly say I have no regrets about my part in the breaking away.  I know my intentions and I know my truth.  For that I am grateful and I can release the rest- its not in my hands.

Will it matter?

Yesterday was the second meeting with the family court counselor.  Mark and I had met with her together a few weeks ago and yesterday we had separate appointments.

“How did it go?” my friends and husband ask.  I honestly can’t tell you.

The joint meeting was a trip down memory lane and at one point the counselor had to stop us and ask “Why are you two here? I don’t normally hear such positive family stories in my office.” “We will get there”, I assured her.  And we did.  The idyllic family life we described was, of course, built on lies, deceit and addiction.  When I shared how we told the children (then 3 and 7), she started to cry and apologized saying “I am just so sad for your family.” That was kind.  Will it matter?  I don’t know.

Yesterday’s individual meeting was more her asking questions about my responses to the 10 page questionnaire.  “You have been divorced for 8 years and have avoided this process.  Why now?”  Fair question.  Working it out independent of the court home study process has proven to be ineffective.  Having a signed piece of paper outlining the rules for joint placement is as valuable as the paper.  When both parties aren’t honest or equally engaged in upholding their responsibility, what’s the point?

Our son has struggled with managing his moods and navigating the world with peers and at school.  We have years of school behavior reports and 2 recent suspensions.  How much longer should we wait?

We have looked at his diagnoses, his meds, the school environment and giving him extra supports there.  Doesn’t it make sense to look at the elephant in the room- his home environments and see if we can’t make adjustments there as well?  Will leaving a 12 year old boy spending half his life under the care of a porn and sex addict in denial matter?  I don’t know.

It matters very much to those who love him and who don’t want to see him end up like his dad.  Will it matter to the courts?  I don’t know.

I signed a lot of releases yesterday for her to dig into our family’s past therapy and school records.  Our lives will be an open book to her and to the court.  Letters of support are arriving from friends and family.  Will the shambles that our children have had to build a life on matter?

If they do, or if they don’t, I will know I have done everything available to me to sound the alarm and so will our children.  Having worked in the system, I know it is reactionary not preventative.  We are well past prevention for my children- 8 years past.  Will the chaos and struggle be enough to warrant a reprieve for them?  I honestly don’t know….

Ohana

Presents (Photo credit: Alice Harold)

My children, (okay mostly my daughter) made me a scrapbook for Christmas. They gave it to me yesterday before going with their dad for Christmas Eve. It had images from our life together so far, along with quotes. Of course, it made me cry..in a good way.

The book was a celebration of family and included so many images of them with my new husband.

Eight years ago, I had no idea we would ever be at this place. Back then, I had recently left their father and was still holding out hope he would take his wake up call and get help for his sex and porn addiction. I prayed he would step up and put our family first. He never did and I have come to accept he never will.

Yesterday I received another gift- this time in the mail from family court. It is the date for our hearing to revisit placement. Our joint placement of the kids is contingent on his compliance with several factors related to his addiction, outlined in a previous post- Riding the Crazy Train. He is not in compliance and has reintroduced internet access into his house, which is a huge red flag and my line in the sand. He believes he doesn’t need to follow the rules because “he has changed”. Tell it to the judge.

I have never regretted leaving him and have gotten encouraging signs along the way to let me know I did the right thing for my children and for me.

My gifts yesterday are two such signs.

The final page of the scrapbook is entitled “Ohana” and includes several photos of our new family over the past 5 years with the following quote:
Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten.

Riding the Crazy Train

Well, I wish I could tell you that yesterday’s reminder of the rules about internet in his home brought about an epiphany and awareness that he was putting our children at potential risk..but we are talking about an addict who has never embraced that awareness.  So, needless to say, there was double speak about “it’s not really internet.  I don’t have it all the time, just on demand.”  Me “Is that because you hack into your neighbors?” Him “No, you don’t understand”

Oh no, believe me, I understand.

So, the readers digest version is that he used all his tricks to try to divert away from the truth.  Minimizing, blame, distraction, circle talk, anger and finally defiance.  Apparently he is choosing to keep his internet that isn’t internet because “the kids need it for school and that’s part of being a good parent.”  He of course said he has changed and doesn’t need those rules anymore.  “So, you never admitted you needed them before- now you acknowledge you did?”  “I have changed and I don’t need those rules” “You have changed since our son saw porn on your phone?  Has it been since then?” AGGH

I wish I could say I remained calm and never took the bait but I did ride the crazy train for a few stops with him.

Looks like I will be calling my attorney today to draft a letter.  If he still refuses to comply, it’s back to court so they can tell him to comply and I can hand over $500-$1,000.  SUPER. I will pop the popcorn and sit back and watch him try to explain how he has changed without treatment despite evidence to the contrary.

This week marks the 7th year since our divorce was final and these rules were put in place.  And he hasn’t changed… Woot Woot..All ABOARD!!

Photo by Leon Warnking on Pexels.com