It’s okay to tell yourself the truth

12 holiday seasons have passed since I learned the truth, 10 since I left the crazy circle of lies, double speak and denial.  I remember how attached I was back then to trying to keep everything as close to the same for the kids as possible.

I was reflecting yesterday how different the holidays are now.  Aside from the children being much older, I am older and wiser.  I have been able to exhale and truly create that safe space in which all of us can heal.

There are no “have to’s” no “shoulds”.  We celebrate how we want to, in a way that feeds us. This year, we “adopted” another family and bought gifts for them.  As in years past, the parents ask for the bare necessities- towels, dishes, pots and pans.  The kids ask for what kids typically ask for- clothes with the right label, the “in” toys.  The highlight was volunteering as a family at the gift distribution.  Perspective and gratitude were the main lessons.

The kids spent Christmas Eve with Mark as is now the tradition.  Tony and I went to a friend’s home for their annual gathering.  Christmas Day, the kids came over after noon, we opened gifts and then went to dinner followed by a movie.

Life is so much easier now.  I remember the fear and anxiety that hung around my shoulders like a heavy cloak.  I was told in so many ways how unnatural and selfish my decision to leave was.  Apparently it’s unnatural for a woman to have a chance at giving her children and herself an authentic life.

It’s not uncommon for mothers to put their children first- that’s our nature.  However, it is considered unnatural to remember yourself in the equation.

My hope is that if you are in a similar situation and living a lie to keep the family together- no matter how dysfunctional, that you remember yourself.  Remember your true nature- before you became the investigator, the wounded woman, the beaten down, exhausted quarterback of a team that has no strategy or plan.

I am not suggesting that the only way to reclaim yourself is to separate and divorce.  You have your own path.  I am suggesting that YOU get to matter. You get to make space to hear your own truth.  Take time to go for a walk- alone.  Meditate, run, practice yoga- whatever moves your energy and clears your head.  It is okay to tell yourself the truth.  No decisions need to be made.  Today, consider being willing to just breathe and listen.

 

Back from Purgatory

I am working from home today with a sick Ethan, which has given me time to revisit my blog.  I am shocked it has been two years since I last posted.  I hadn’t checked it or my associated email and assumed it had faded into blog purgatory.  Surprisingly, that’s not the case.

Despite being dormant, it still gets dozens of reads a day from all over the world.  Rather than make me feel good, it makes me feel sad.  I mean, I know porn and sex addiction is eroding relationships at faster rates than ever, but to see the world map and all the numbers of clicks light it up- those numbers are people, largely women who are looking for someone who gets it- who has been there and may be a step or two in front of their path.

So, now that I am back, here’s the update:

Ethan’s middle school years went much better in terms of behavior and run ins with administration and the police (did I even just type that?! Sheesh, not the life I planned, but I digress) He was suspended twice in 7th grade for fighting and not at all in 8th grade. Score one for executive functioning!  Overall, Ethan has done much better anger wise although there were several instances of sexting/sending/receiving photos from peers in 8th grade that needed some major follow up on.

He has been seeing a counselor since last I blogged.  She is at the treatment facility where Mark had pretended to get help.  She works largely with teen boys and really seems to “get” them.  Because she works with both boys who are court ordered to see her, and boys like Ethan who have not been involved in the courts yet, she brings a real world perspective that speaks to Ethan.  He always wants to know what the furthest point is he can push it before he falls off the cliff.  She has told him that he is right on the edge and its up to him to keep himself from falling.

Although that is a scary thought that battling this beast is ultimately up to him, I know its true.  I can no more save Ethan than I could save Mark.  The only difference is that I believe Ethan still has so much light and drive for the good in the world that he wants to get better. Not for me, but for himself.

Overall, life with him has gotten so much better- he is more respectful, engaged and has taken responsibility for his learning in high school.  He is training hard for sports and has a goal of playing Division 1 football in college.  He has said that he knows this issue is the one thing that will railroad his plans- it won’t be drugs or alcohol (let’s hope!)

That said, it’s not all smooth sailing for sure- I recently found evidence of him trolling on Kik for nude photos from strangers.  The net is being cast further out to sea.  I reeled him back in and we have done some course corrections and adjusted the sails.

The journey continues with the next generation.  I am more balanced in my life now and credit my burgeoning yoga practice for that.  As hard as it is for a parent to not want to fix everything, I have come to understand deeply that this is not mine to fix.  I have hope that there is so much more awareness of the impact of online access to pornography than even a few years ago. (Fight the New Drug is an an amazing organization that is doing fantastic work with teens and young adults).

So for those of you who are in the same ocean, I am back and in my little boat adjusting my sails and routinely doing Stand Up Paddle board yoga to stay sane.  It’s not always pretty, but it’s real.

Namaste

 

 

 

Moving on

Freedom (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

I have had lots of feelings following the recommendation of the family court counselor to keep placement at 50%. The first was shock, then sadness, then anger.  Now I am at acceptance.  It’s been a long road to this place.

The past 9 years have been a delicate balance of trying to illuminate what is hidden, support the positive and move our children away from the questionable/negative influences in their dad’s environment.  Quite honestly, it has been exhausting. But not nearly as exhausting as if I had stayed.

Because I left, my vision cleared

Because I left, I found my truth

Because I left, my voice has returned

Because I left, my children know it’s not ok

Because I left, I regained my footing and learned to run

Because I left, my children know what boundaries, self-respect and strength look like

Because I left, I get to matter

Because I left, I can breathe

Because I left, my children know I tried everything

Because I left, I am free

I can honestly say I have no regrets about my part in the breaking away.  I know my intentions and I know my truth.  For that I am grateful and I can release the rest- its not in my hands.

Stay for the kids?

If you are a mother and in a relationship with a porn or sex addict, you have likely asked yourself the question “Should I just stay for the kids?” I know I asked myself that question a million times during the 2 years after I found out about my then-husband’s double life. The assumption is that staying is the least selfish and most loving sacrifice you can make for your children. And isn’t that what a good mother does- sacrifice for her children? My thoughts sounded something like this: Maybe it’s best if I just stay, that way at least they have both parents living together and I will be here with them.

Let’s take a look at that..

In my case, the surface was pretty.  We were the attractive and healthy all-American couple.  We had been married for 7 years before having children, thus having plenty of “us” time to cultivate friendships and hobbies and our life was full.  The raft on which we navigated the surface was sturdy and despite some considerable life challenges, we had remained afloat.

When Mark revealed his secret life to me, I was convinced that we would navigate that storm as well.  By then we had our two children, at that point 6 and almost 2 years old.  I busied myself on the raft making it as child friendly and fun as possible- there was a palm tree with a hammock to rest in, a sandy play area and I focused on making sure we navigated around the rocks of denial, anger, sadness and therapy appointments.

Six months post revelation, not much had really changed on the surface and believing him that “all that” was in the past now that I knew, I continued bobbing on the surface, ignoring my sense that the raft was losing air, and I tried to enjoy the view and time with my family.

Unbeknownst to me, the entire time a large shark had been following close behind us.  During the day, while I thought he was off working, Mark would feed and play with the shark.  Mark thought he had tamed the beast.

I decided to follow my instincts one day and I followed Mark.  I was shocked to see him in the water with the shark.  “What are you doing? Don’t you see that is a shark?!” I whispered, so as not to wake the children.  “What are you doing here, why did you follow me?  Don’t you trust me?!” he deflected.  The shark swam closer to the raft, now between Mark and our raft.  “Mark, move away from the shark.  Here grab a line and I’ll tow you in”.  “What? It’s fine.  He’s more of a dolphin than a shark.  It’s fun- I am not in any danger.  You are over-reacting and are going to wake up the kids”.   “Well, it does seem tame.  He wouldn’t put us in danger, maybe it is ok.” I thought.

Armed with this new knowledge and self-doubt, I reinforced the raft and built a tiki hut.  I read everything I could about sharks. I talked to shark experts. Nothing I read or heard supported Mark’s belief that he had tamed the shark.  He never mentioned his time with the shark and denied seeing him when I asked.  “No, I think he’s gone.” he said and then would quickly start playing with the kids.

Maybe I made it all up, maybe it was really a dolphin. I just need to trust Mark, what’s the matter with me?  To show my new found faith, I began swimming in the ocean looking for the beast, just to prove to myself it was a dolphin.

I thought about the dolphin shark all the time.  The kids would be playing and I didn’t really see the castles they were building, my eyes forever on the water’s surface, searching for a fin.  When Mark would come home, I would casually ask if he saw the shark.  “Nope, let it go.” was his answer.

Then one day, I found Mark with the shark again.  “This is the first time I have seen him in forever, I swear”! “Don’t you see he brought friends, Mark?  Look behind you!” I screamed.  He looked and saw nothing.  That’s when I knew I had to pull the anchor and head for shore.  I couldn’t live on the surface with him anymore.  He couldn’t see the danger he had brought to our raft so he wouldn’t fight to get rid of it.

He followed behind the raft in a dinghy.  I swam to shore with the kids and he helped me build a home on the beach.  The kids swim back and forth, living their lives between the surface raft and my island home.  I fell in love with a local islander and together we tend to our sanctuary with the kids- we build sand castles and teach them to ride the waves and identify dolphins and sharks so they know the difference.

This metaphor is as close to describing why staying was not an option for me. Never once have I questioned “Would it have been best for all of us to stay in the middle of the ocean on the raft, in shark infested waters, just so we could be together?” That would be silly.  I wasn’t just sacrificing myself but them as well.

The questions I ask now are “Do the kids ever see the shark, how close does the shark get to my children and will they ever swim with the shark if/when they see it?”

Pseudo Child Porn- What’s Age got to do with it?

As the former wife of a porn addict, I have seen the impact of using teens of “questionable” age in pornography.  Years ago, when I was able to access my ex-husband’s computer in an attempt to verify his assertions that he didn’t have porn on his computer, I was shocked by saved images of girls I thought looked like they were in their early to mid-teens.

When I called the Department of Justice for help, I was told that unless I knew these girls and could verify that they weren’t over the age of 18, the “industry standard” was not to pursue prosecution for child porn if there was “presence of development”.  They simply couldn’t follow every lead or image- there aren’t enough resources.

I understand that, having worked in the overloaded mental health system.  Resources are limited and the worst cases rise to the top, particularly in the case of prosecution.

As a woman and mom, it makes me sad and angry that because of the prevalence of “pseudo child porn” in our larger media culture, the needle has been moved away from outrage and action toward accepting these images as “in the realm of normal”.

PornProof Kids shared some sage advice for protecting your children from accepting these images as normal.

4 Powerful Tips to Protect Your Kids from Pseudo Child Porn.

Post-mediation

It’s been a few weeks since I last posted.  At that point, my ex and I were headed to mediation as part of the family court process.  It was the first time in 10 years that I felt like someone “got it” in a relatively short period of time.  We started out by each sharing why we felt we were at this place regarding placement and what outcome we would like to see.  (We have been divorced for 8 years and have shared placement with several caveats related to his addiction that he is not in compliance with.  An equally important issue is our son’s adhd and how it presents itself at school and the type of environment that would be best for him.)

I avoided going down this road years ago by striking a deal with him that I would agree to 50-50 placement if he would go to treatment and not have internet in his home.  I’ll spare you the details of the back and forth but suffice it to say that the mediator saw the pattern of lies and denial and non-compliance.  When she asked him why he agreed to the terms of shared placement if he didn’t have an addiction, he couldn’t answer her.

Towards the end of our session after my ex kept cutting her off or talking over her to make HIS point, she said that mediation can’t break through denial and that clearly there is a long history here that someone needs to look at.  She accused him of therapist shopping and manipulating the process.  At that point she said she was referring us to a guardian ad litem and home study.  He got up and left muttering under his breath that he doesn’t understand why we can’t just have a conversation about this.  As if we haven’t been talking about it for the past 10 years!  Meanwhile our children are growing up and bearing the scars.

I am truly amazed at the depths of his denial.  I think he truly believes his spin on some level and doesn’t understand what I am talking about.  But now it isn’t just me, or his past therapist or the court commissioner.  Add another person who sees it.  Let’s hope the next person involved, the guardian ad litem, not only sees the issue but moves my children away from it.

He recently sent me an email asking me to reconsider the home study.  It is no longer “me vs. him”- family court sees the need for it and I told him as much.  No matter the outcome, I will remain the villain in his eyes for holding up a mirror yet again.  That I can live with.  Not following through is something I can’t.

How do you mediate addiction?

Family Court (Photo credit: lewisha1990)

My former husband and I met with the family court commissioner a few weeks ago. His attorney (who he retained the day before) tried to get my motion to revisit placement dismissed, on the grounds I “have nothing”. Um..okay.

The short version is that the court commissioner believes our situation warrants another look. We go to mediation to see if in an hour and a half, we can come to an agreement about my concerns about there being internet access in his home again. Mark’s position is that I said it was “fine” a few years ago. Um..nope, that wasn’t me.

Since he told me about his double life 10 years ago, I have never been “fine” with it.  Never been fine with the lies, minimizing and spin. Since leaving him in the hopes he would wake up and fight for our family, I have never been fine with his denial and effort to create a new front.  And I certainly have never been fine with him having joint placement if he was not ever going to truly get help or get rid of the internet. That is why I got the marital settlement agreement drafted and executed in the first place.  He signed it and has been in and out of compliance for 8 years. I have never been fine with him playing me and the system.

Most importantly I am not fine with our son finding porn on his father’s phone at the tender age of 10 and being lied to about it.  I am not fine with his deteriorating relationship with his father and increased anger and disrespect.  I AM NOT FINE WITH ANY OF IT!!

I am fine with continuing to hold up a spotlight to this situation. I am fine with continuing to talk to my son’s teachers and counselors to try to help him. I am fine with spending my vacation time on doctors appointments and court appointments. I am fine with spending our Spring Break money on attorneys and family court fees. I am fine with continuing to follow this process in the hopes that someone will connect all the dots that exist and agree to make a change for my children.

The first step to the mediation is for both of us to attend an informational session about effective parenting and the family court process.  Mine is this morning. FINE.

Co-parenting with a Porn and Sex Addict: A delicate balance revisited again today

 

We were having dinner last night with my father and bonus mom before they head south for the winter.  After dinner the server asked us to fill in a survey.  My son offered to be the one to do it.  Once the server left, he was looking at the receipt for the survey.  My husband said it was probably online.  “You can fill it in tomorrow after school, when you are at our house, since your dad doesn’t have internet”, I offered.  Immediately Ethan said “Oh, he has internet. He brings home his work computer.”

 

Uncomfortable silence fell over the table as everyone there knew one of the conditions of our marital settlement agreement was no internet or computers in his home, due to his pornography addiction.  Given the fact that Ethan has stumbled upon porn on Mark’s phone, I can only imagine what is on that computer.  Actually, I don’t need to really imagine, as years ago when I last confiscated it, I found lots of online activity- teen porn and sex chat during the time he was supposed to be getting the kids ready for school.  That discovery left me nauseous and begging his therapist and my attorney to help keep my kids safe.  The best we could do was this “no internet in the home” rule.

 

So, over the years we have had to have the conversation that goes something like this:

 

Me:  “I understand you have a computer/internet access in your house again.”

 

Mark: “How do you know that?”

 

Me: I usually divulge how I know, giving him time to formulate a defense.

 

Mark: “Actually that’s not true..I go to the driveway and hack into my neighbor’s, etc- it has varied depending on the year.  If you don’t like it you can take me back to court.”

 

“I go to the driveway and use my neighbors’ internet” essentially means “I am still doing what I want but not doing it in the house so technically I am following the rules”  This is the semantic game and crazy talk of the addict and I know it well.  Basically it’s a big F You to me, the rules and any attempt to preserve some semblance of a healthy environment for my children while in his care.  I have at different times gone back to the legal system who essentially tells him to stop and he says he will.  The only permanent change that results is the loss of $$ from my budget.

 

So back to dinner last night.  I said “Well, I will need to re-visit this with your dad, since he is not allowed to have a computer or internet in his house.  Thanks for being honest, bud.”

 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not surprised or shocked- we have had these impotent conversations for years where I call him out on his addiction infiltrating my children’s lives/environment, he lies/defends it/minimizes it or tries to convince me I am wrong.  I have given up trying to get through to him to do the right thing long term. I won’t just ignore what I know, however.  That would be like telling them, “Your dad breaks the rules, lies and gets away with it, so it’s ok for you to do it.”

 

Mark wonders out loud to me why our son is so disrespectful to him at times. I want to scream “Gee, do you think it has anything to do with what he has seen and has had to deal with at a young age, because of you? Or that you have no credibility with him because you lie and break the rules and he knows it?!”  Perhaps I will share a calmer version of that perspective with him today.

 

The best I can hope for with Mark today is to share what I know, remind him of the rules, share how it has impacted the kids and tell him to get rid of it and wait to hear more recon from the kids.  I don’t grill the kids or stay in the stance of a detective-I have gotten information quite innocently and spontaneously, like last night. It is simply too crazy making for me, my husband and our home environment.  The best I can do is my due diligence and then turn my focus on my side of the street and praise them for telling the truth, support their impression that it’s wrong and how they feel about their dad lying.  Then be the best role model I can be of an honest, transparent life.

balance (Photo credit: WoK111)

 

That’s why I left, to give us all a break from the crazy circus of addiction.  Staying connected and sucked into Mark’s lies keeps us all still there.  It’s a delicate balance, this co-parenting with an addict.  For me it’s been the balance of responding to his lies, not to prove I am right but to protect the kids.  The challenge is to respond without getting swept away by the current of my rage and mother tiger instincts, then return my focus to the present and being that haven of clarity, joy and calm that is truly who I am.

 

Wish me luck!!

 

Can Porn Interfere with Normal Child Development?

I am pleased to share a post from a blogger who is working to raise awareness among parents about the need to innoculate our children against the ravages of pornography.  Her blog is entitled, cleverly, Pornoculation

As a mom who co-parents with a pornography and sex addict, the answer to  this blog’s title question seems obvious.  How long will it take until we as a culture truly embrace our responsibility to protect our children and their right to have a childhood and a healthy future?

Can Porn Interfere with Normal Child Development?.

Does one woman’s story matter?

As the release of Pants on Fire approaches, I have been pondering what difference one person’s story can make in the world. While it took courage and a leap of faith to put my experience with pornography and sex addiction into words, mostly I was looking to leave a marker on the path I took for other women to find.

When my former husband first admitted his secret life existed, I went looking for other women’s words to help guide me. I was looking for answers and a sisterhood of sorts.  “What does this mean?  How does a marriage survive?  Is there hope?  Will my life ever feel “normal” again?  What about the kids- how does this impact them?”  These were my questions and concerns.  While no one else could fully answer them for me, I wanted to know others were out there in the same forest, forging their own path and moving forward.

What difference does one experience make?  When your relationship explodes from pornography and sex addiction, knowing you are not alone, it’s not your fault, you are not crazy and that your feelings matter can make all the difference.  For me, my life was so shaken by what I found out that I had no choice but to rebuild a new normal, largely alone.

It is my hope that by sharing my truth, other women will feel supported to listen to their own.

Reese L. Yant

“Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit” ~Bern William