Post-mediation

It’s been a few weeks since I last posted.  At that point, my ex and I were headed to mediation as part of the family court process.  It was the first time in 10 years that I felt like someone “got it” in a relatively short period of time.  We started out by each sharing why we felt we were at this place regarding placement and what outcome we would like to see.  (We have been divorced for 8 years and have shared placement with several caveats related to his addiction that he is not in compliance with.  An equally important issue is our son’s adhd and how it presents itself at school and the type of environment that would be best for him.)

I avoided going down this road years ago by striking a deal with him that I would agree to 50-50 placement if he would go to treatment and not have internet in his home.  I’ll spare you the details of the back and forth but suffice it to say that the mediator saw the pattern of lies and denial and non-compliance.  When she asked him why he agreed to the terms of shared placement if he didn’t have an addiction, he couldn’t answer her.

Towards the end of our session after my ex kept cutting her off or talking over her to make HIS point, she said that mediation can’t break through denial and that clearly there is a long history here that someone needs to look at.  She accused him of therapist shopping and manipulating the process.  At that point she said she was referring us to a guardian ad litem and home study.  He got up and left muttering under his breath that he doesn’t understand why we can’t just have a conversation about this.  As if we haven’t been talking about it for the past 10 years!  Meanwhile our children are growing up and bearing the scars.

I am truly amazed at the depths of his denial.  I think he truly believes his spin on some level and doesn’t understand what I am talking about.  But now it isn’t just me, or his past therapist or the court commissioner.  Add another person who sees it.  Let’s hope the next person involved, the guardian ad litem, not only sees the issue but moves my children away from it.

He recently sent me an email asking me to reconsider the home study.  It is no longer “me vs. him”- family court sees the need for it and I told him as much.  No matter the outcome, I will remain the villain in his eyes for holding up a mirror yet again.  That I can live with.  Not following through is something I can’t.

Sins of the father?

Ethan fishing (Photo credit: ahhyeah)

My son is almost 12.  Since he was a baby, he has been exuberant, sweet, sassy and defiant.  When I would sing to him while changing his diaper, he would hold up a chubby hand and declare “STOP!”.  His first sentence fragment was “Stupid Idiot”.

He was not even 2 when my marriage to his father began to crumble as I learned that sex and porn addiction had been an undercurrent in our family all along.  I will admit that I was distracted at times as I tried to salvage our marriage, then leapt to escape the undertow.  Ethan’s toddler years were less than idyllic, at least on an energy level.  While his father and I didn’t overtly argue, I am sure he and his sister were impacted by all that was unsaid and unresolved.  Neither one remembers the strife, which was my goal- I tried to keep it “all normal” on the surface for them.

I know siblings can be polar opposite in temperament and personality.  That is absolutely the case with Ethan and Cara.  Still, I see some aspects of Ethan that are so worrisome.  He is defiant, moody and drawn to the dark side at times.  He is also incredibly intuitive and perceptive.  His teachers have been on my speed dial since he was in 1st grade, when they started having problems with his behavior.  To say it has been stressful is putting it mildly.

How much of his behavior is nature, how much environment, how much due to the divorce and living half his life with his dad who has never truly been in recovery?  We have taken him to see therapists, psychiatrists, been diagnosed with ADHD, evaluated for bipolar, been to the chiropractor and acupuncturist.  We have altered diet and given supplements and different medications over the years.

While his baseline attitude and ability to tolerate frustration has improved over the years, his mouth and lack of filter continue to get him in trouble.  He was kicked out of his sports camp this summer for lack of respect.  He has issues in school that have required intervention and his removal from class.

As I shared in my book, despite my best efforts to protect the children through the legal and mental health systems, Ethan stumbled upon porn on his dad’s phone last year.  Was that the first time?  Given his hyper awareness and gravitational pull toward sexual lyrics and actions, I truly doubt it.  I have talked to him over the years and his therapist has asked all the right questions.

Still I am afraid for his future. Did something happen to him?  Or is it “just” his personality?  Is it the addict gene?  Despite years of mental health intervention, the only diagnosis is adhd.  While that makes sense on some level, there is something more..I feel I have been racing the clock to help find the answer before I lose him to the teen years and all the higher level distractions and consequences.  Life and death sort of consequences.