My son is almost 12. Since he was a baby, he has been exuberant, sweet, sassy and defiant. When I would sing to him while changing his diaper, he would hold up a chubby hand and declare “STOP!”. His first sentence fragment was “Stupid Idiot”.
He was not even 2 when my marriage to his father began to crumble as I learned that sex and porn addiction had been an undercurrent in our family all along. I will admit that I was distracted at times as I tried to salvage our marriage, then leapt to escape the undertow. Ethan’s toddler years were less than idyllic, at least on an energy level. While his father and I didn’t overtly argue, I am sure he and his sister were impacted by all that was unsaid and unresolved. Neither one remembers the strife, which was my goal- I tried to keep it “all normal” on the surface for them.
I know siblings can be polar opposite in temperament and personality. That is absolutely the case with Ethan and Cara. Still, I see some aspects of Ethan that are so worrisome. He is defiant, moody and drawn to the dark side at times. He is also incredibly intuitive and perceptive. His teachers have been on my speed dial since he was in 1st grade, when they started having problems with his behavior. To say it has been stressful is putting it mildly.
How much of his behavior is nature, how much environment, how much due to the divorce and living half his life with his dad who has never truly been in recovery? We have taken him to see therapists, psychiatrists, been diagnosed with ADHD, evaluated for bipolar, been to the chiropractor and acupuncturist. We have altered diet and given supplements and different medications over the years.
While his baseline attitude and ability to tolerate frustration has improved over the years, his mouth and lack of filter continue to get him in trouble. He was kicked out of his sports camp this summer for lack of respect. He has issues in school that have required intervention and his removal from class.
As I shared in my book, despite my best efforts to protect the children through the legal and mental health systems, Ethan stumbled upon porn on his dad’s phone last year. Was that the first time? Given his hyper awareness and gravitational pull toward sexual lyrics and actions, I truly doubt it. I have talked to him over the years and his therapist has asked all the right questions.
Still I am afraid for his future. Did something happen to him? Or is it “just” his personality? Is it the addict gene? Despite years of mental health intervention, the only diagnosis is adhd. While that makes sense on some level, there is something more..I feel I have been racing the clock to help find the answer before I lose him to the teen years and all the higher level distractions and consequences. Life and death sort of consequences.
Beyond His Porn Addiction 
“How much of his behavior is nature, how much environment, how much due to the divorce and living half his life with his dad who has never truly been in recovery?”
I believe this is a HUGE issue. It is my opinion that a child growing up, basically fatherless, will be more prone to “act out” in various ways. It is also my opinion that an unrecovered sex addict is just as bad (or in your case with viewing porn on the father’s phone, worse) as not having a father present in the child’s life.
Just because a father is physically present with their children, does not mean that they are emotionally or mentally present with their child.
Thanks for your feedback. This has been my challenge and frustration from the start when I first considered leaving his dad. I honestly have been shocked at how hard his father has fought to stay in the children’s lives. If only he had fought that hard to work on his addiction and keep our family together!
Unfortunately, being a sex and porn addict doesn’t raise enough red flags with family court, even when you present all the facts. You have to prove harm to the children (which is hard with this addiction). “Is he having sex in front of the children?” “Um, not that I know of..” The bar is so low for what constituents “good enough” parents.
He is distracted and has problems establishing good boundaries or following through with consequences. His twin brother, also an addict, lives in his basement when his kids come to visit (creepy, I know) and while our kids don’t like him, they love seeing their cousins. What a chaotic mess, that I have spent years and countless dollars trying to prevent.
Thanks for chiming in!
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